Sorry peeps... secara mentalnya aku tgh berserabut skrg... rasa nak meraung pun ada.. aaaahhh... nnt2 la hapdet kat sini... aku xde mood skrg ni...nak gi jln2 kat Mall boleh??
"My loneliness is killing me.... "
Me being lonely? Funny, eh? Aku ada famili kat sini, apa kejadahnya nak feeling2 lonely? Ha.. sure korang cakap camtu, kan... Well, of course I'm glad that I have my family here with me, tapi context loneliness yang akan kukupas dalam entry ni lain...
Bila dah berada jauh diperantauan ni, perasaan ni hadir lagi. Bukan aku yang meminta, tapi secara tiba2. Emosi, orang kata. Dulu aku pernah rasa macam ni sekali. Now is the second time. Isk. Emosi ini buat aku sedih. Sungguh aku tak suka dengan feeling ni. Tapi aku tak reti nak luahkan dengan kata2. Sebab aku bukan jenis itu. Jadi blog nilah tempat aku luahkan segala...
Me being lonely? Funny, eh? Aku ada famili kat sini, apa kejadahnya nak feeling2 lonely? Ha.. sure korang cakap camtu, kan... Well, of course I'm glad that I have my family here with me, tapi context loneliness yang akan kukupas dalam entry ni lain...
Bila dah berada jauh diperantauan ni, perasaan ni hadir lagi. Bukan aku yang meminta, tapi secara tiba2. Emosi, orang kata. Dulu aku pernah rasa macam ni sekali. Now is the second time. Isk. Emosi ini buat aku sedih. Sungguh aku tak suka dengan feeling ni. Tapi aku tak reti nak luahkan dengan kata2. Sebab aku bukan jenis itu. Jadi blog nilah tempat aku luahkan segala...
First time...
Masa tu aku undergraduate, lokasinya sama je, di Iowa State ni la... masa aku arrive, tak ramai pun orang melayu. Ada 3 orang lelaki -- Azlan, Shahril dan Rapid. Famili melayu pulak ada satu -- famili kak maya and abg ishak. So masa aku arrive, famili kak fauziah pun arrive sama. So kesimpulannya banyak tu je la kami orang melayu.
At that moment, sungguh terasa loneliness itu. Dahlah bujang, tak de geng. Aku baik je dengan famili kak fauziah and kak maya. But sometimes you need to hang out with friends, and doing stuff. Aku tak nak la susahkan famili2 tu sebab mereka pun dah ada famili, kan... Makanya tercatuk la aku kat Frederikson Court, merenung tingkap dan terasa sgt lonely. Nak join American friends, sgt tak appropriate. Diorang ajak gi bar, hangout. Itu bukan aku. Budak2 cina, sama je. Once in a while ada la join diorang main pool and bowling, but then, once in a while. Sudahnya, aku sendiri lagi... Oh.. and it's not appropriate for me to hang around Azlan, Shahril and Rapid all the time, kan... huhuhuhu... so there.... that was kinda the scenario sblm Sam datang....
Now the loneliness is here. Again. *Sigh*. Kali ni aku datang bawak famili. Syukur. At least the loneliness part of missing family is partly settled. Wait till mama and daddy come, then it's fully settled. Loneliness ini takde kaitan dgn famili. Agaknya about me. Isk isk, Sungguh complicated utk aku nyatakan. Bila duduk2 tu, aku teringat. Jauh. Sesekali terusik gak hati ni. Teringat kat kawan2. Apa khabar agaknya korang ek? Especially orang2 kat KPTM. Entah ingat ntah tidak. Kenangan itu datang lagi, Hang out together, sembang2, makan sesama. Rindu sungguh saat itu. For those people who knows me, aku suka bercerita, gosip2, bual2 kosong... hehehe... kan best kalau momen2 itu ada di sini... memang aku ada famili... but then there are always time that I need to talk to somebody.. saja2 je... sembang2.... other than Zairi and Adik. I guess my point is, I'm missing my girlfriends... and that is when the loneliness starts to come again...
It's been 4 months now since we arrived here. Alhamdulillah we got to learn many things. I learn a great deal about friendship, and many more. Thanks a lot to the people here that makes us feel at home. Terharu sgt. You guys know who you are. Kami amat menghargainya... we always feel that we are being left out most of the time, but then, I hope it was just a feeling. All in all, we are truly happy here, and enjoying our lives at the fullest..
Disclaimer: Entry ini adalah luahan hati penulis semata-mata dan tidak berniat menyinggung mana2 pihak.
It's been 4 months now since we arrived here. Alhamdulillah we got to learn many things. I learn a great deal about friendship, and many more. Thanks a lot to the people here that makes us feel at home. Terharu sgt. You guys know who you are. Kami amat menghargainya... we always feel that we are being left out most of the time, but then, I hope it was just a feeling. All in all, we are truly happy here, and enjoying our lives at the fullest..
Disclaimer: Entry ini adalah luahan hati penulis semata-mata dan tidak berniat menyinggung mana2 pihak.
Aiseh... letih ah bila cakap bab2 makan nih...
kenapa ek? apa agaknya yang meletihkan aku tu?
bukannya apa.. aku sangat 'berchenta' bila nak pikir nak makan apa
sebab2nya ---
1. aku tak tau nak masak apa... boring ah makan nasik.. nak2 kitorang mmg jenis bkn makan nasik hari2 pagi petang siang malam...
2. nak makan western? dah muak... asyik2 makan spageti, pasta2, salad, sandwich, u name it... bosan!!
3. masa dulu kat malaysia kami ni jenis mkn2 mi... mi goreng ke, bihun goreng ke, kuetiow goreng ke... la ni dah bosan dah mkn bihun... asyik goreng bihun jee... nak makan kuetiow kerang, sebutir kerang pun xde kat sini... huhuh
4. kat malaysia kalau malas nak masak, boleh je gi order kat gerai ke kedai makan restoran mana2 ke, makan fast food ke.... kat sini mana ada.... nak makan fast food, tak halal.... nak makan kat luar, tak halal gak... plus mahal... kalau aku sorang lain cerita, ni dah ada family ni kena la pikir dua tiga kali nak mkn kat luar....
5. sometimes weekend tu ada la aku masak cam beriyani ke nasi lemak ke nasi ayam ke... tapi sekarang ni dah bosan dah makan benda2 tu... not to mention tom yam and adik beradik sup sumer tu... dah bosan jugak...
so kesimpulannya, aku tak tau dah nak makan apa... mesti korang tertanya2 apa yg kitorang makan kat sini kan? aku tak de la rajin nak masak mcm2... kerja melambak2...tunggu weekend je la.. dah kering idea dah.... jejaka2 dalam rumah semua dah bosan makan nasi... jejaki/anak dara je yg makan bubur nasi... hehe...
waaaaaaaa...... bosannyaaaaaaaaaa..... oh ikan keli... kenapa kao tiada kelibatnya di sini? huhuhu....
kenapa ek? apa agaknya yang meletihkan aku tu?
bukannya apa.. aku sangat 'berchenta' bila nak pikir nak makan apa
sebab2nya ---
1. aku tak tau nak masak apa... boring ah makan nasik.. nak2 kitorang mmg jenis bkn makan nasik hari2 pagi petang siang malam...
2. nak makan western? dah muak... asyik2 makan spageti, pasta2, salad, sandwich, u name it... bosan!!
3. masa dulu kat malaysia kami ni jenis mkn2 mi... mi goreng ke, bihun goreng ke, kuetiow goreng ke... la ni dah bosan dah mkn bihun... asyik goreng bihun jee... nak makan kuetiow kerang, sebutir kerang pun xde kat sini... huhuh
4. kat malaysia kalau malas nak masak, boleh je gi order kat gerai ke kedai makan restoran mana2 ke, makan fast food ke.... kat sini mana ada.... nak makan fast food, tak halal.... nak makan kat luar, tak halal gak... plus mahal... kalau aku sorang lain cerita, ni dah ada family ni kena la pikir dua tiga kali nak mkn kat luar....
5. sometimes weekend tu ada la aku masak cam beriyani ke nasi lemak ke nasi ayam ke... tapi sekarang ni dah bosan dah makan benda2 tu... not to mention tom yam and adik beradik sup sumer tu... dah bosan jugak...
so kesimpulannya, aku tak tau dah nak makan apa... mesti korang tertanya2 apa yg kitorang makan kat sini kan? aku tak de la rajin nak masak mcm2... kerja melambak2...tunggu weekend je la.. dah kering idea dah.... jejaka2 dalam rumah semua dah bosan makan nasi... jejaki/anak dara je yg makan bubur nasi... hehe...
waaaaaaaa...... bosannyaaaaaaaaaa..... oh ikan keli... kenapa kao tiada kelibatnya di sini? huhuhu....
I fell in love with this song when I first watched it on YouTube. It's also the background song for my blog :)) This beautiful ballad is sang by Jessica Simpson (I am not a big fan of her, but this song is so touching and made me cry because I love seeing Jess and Nick together-- but they aren't anymore, so....:( ). Anyway, enjoy this song's videoclip (if you are unable to listen to the background song for some reason)
"When You Told Me You Loved Me"
Once
Doesn't mean anything to me
Come
Show me the meaning of complete
Where
Did our love go wrong
Once we were so strong
How can I go on?
When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
To get over the feeling of knowing a dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
How could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one
Why
Can't I just leave it all behind
I
Felt passion so bright that I was blind
Then
Something made me weak
Talking in my sleep
Baby, I'm in so deep and you know I believed
When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
To get over the feeling of knowing a dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
How could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one
Your lips
Your face
Something that time just can't erase
Find my heart could break
All over again
When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
To get over the feeling of knowing a dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
How could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one
Aku sebenarnya tak de mood nak post entry within these few days. Ni pun sebab rasa mcm tak best pulak kalau tak update entry. Aku sbenarnya berada dalam keadaan bercelaru, dan sedang bermacam2 benda sedang menghantui otak aku ni...
Macam yang aku tulis sebelum ni, Zairi dah pn dapat offer sambung master, under KPT (kementerian pengajian tinggi). Alhamdulillah, syukur sgt2. Bukan semua org dapat peluang mcm ni, kan... anyway, nak dijadikan cerita, kami sekeluarga dah diuji dengan dugaan dari Allah.. semua pun sedia maklum kan kalau ditaja government ni kena attend kursus BTN and mcm2 mak nenek lagi la kan... so yg memeningkan kepala kitorg is... Zairi kena pergi BTN and kursus quantitive analysis (QA) upon receiving scholarship tu. Isk.. isk... persoalannya ---
1. Camane lak dia nak attend kedua2 course tu? Dia dah ada kt sini... xkan nak balik Malaysia?Lgpun baru je sampai sini. ongkosnya lagi??
2. Boleh ke kalau dia mintak tangguh BTN and kursus QA tu supaya dibuat di tgh/hujung pengajiannya?
3. Orang kolej komuniti tu takkan tak bgtau kementerian yg Zairi dh ada kat sini? Bagi org kementrian aware skit ttg hal ni?
4. Yg paling sengal -- BTN tu start 26 hb februari ni ye.. so tak ke sesak otak kitorang nak pikir cara penyelesaian?
There ... lega skit bila dapat luahka dalam blog... Kalau sapa2 ada cadangan/penyelesaian untuk membantu meringankan beban kitorang, sila-silalah ye.... serius buntu ni weh....
2 pagi yang lalu...
Zairi: Bangunlah... abg nak tunjuk something..
Aku : (Sambil terpisat-pisat) Apa dia?
Zairi: Meh la kat sini (sambil keluar bilik).. Tengok ni...
Aku : (Sambil tenyeh-tenyeh mata) Mana? Apa?
Zairi: (Sambil tunjuk skrin laptopnya) Ni ha...
Dengan mengantuknya aku kedepankan muka ke skrin sambil mengecikkan bijik mata (akukan rabun.. mana ada pkai spek time tu.. haha..). Ini yang aku lihat..
Klik sini untuk paparan yg lebih jelas
Maka aku dgn excitednya memeluk Zairi and cakap -- Congrats, abg!!! hehehe...
Alhamdulillah, Zairi akan ditaja sepenuhnya oleh JPA (under KPT) untuk melanjutkan pelajaran di peringkat Masters.. kira ni official dah la.. syukur sgt2... ni kira hadiah birthday yang paling bermakna la buat dia.. hehehe...
Tiba2 dlm kepala otak aku dah berfikir -- haiiishhhh... lepas ni leh la kitorang bershopping sakan.. muahahahahaa...
Answers:
1. In general (as in so far, throughout the semester) -- okay, i guess
2. Now, as in right this moment -- not so good
Let's see in detail --
1. Classes
I'm taking 3 classes this semester, and so far in general everything went fine, except... remember the class that I was fussing about in my previous entry? The one that demotivates me due to the grade? yeah... it's that class again, people... i suck! i suck bigtime!!! i dunno what went wrong, and obviously i got the 2nd assignment back, with grades less than before.... *grrrrrrrrrrrrr* Seriously pissed with myself right now,don't know what i got wrong for. To make things worse, my Egyptian friend, (oh.. i should write an entry about her some time, by the way her name is Ghada) she got a perfect score. AGAIN. I'm feeling sick of myself. Duh. I know some people out there will say -- OK, SO YOU SLACKED OFF THE FIRST TWO ASSIGNMENTS. BIG DEAL! Well, it is a big deal for me, and might not be for some of you out there... I wasn't like this before, you know... throughout my masters and even during my undergrad... just make me feel soooo dumb whenever I keep thinking about it.. so I'm gonna drop the subject...*grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* But I did took Ghada's paper back home so I can see where I got wrong..
2. Research
I'm currently in the process of starting doing literature review, and I'll be working on this cool project with my professor. I will only come up with a topic for my dissertation whenever I'm halfway through the lit review process. I'm feeling pretty good about it (eventhough I have a stack of articles to read), and I also discovered some good stuff to accompany my research process. I'm trying to use EndNote and Google Docs as my research tools, and help me keep organized all the time.
3. Life as a student/wife/mother
I am trying my best to allocate quality time for research work, family time, blogging time (need to allocate a good 2 hours for blog hopping and updating, since I know there are people waiting for updates :)), homework/studying time and of course, shopping (either grocery or window.. haha).. But once in a while, I need a break and just wanna enjoy life! Err.. I hope I can go and watch movies.. seriously, there are tons of good movies here, hehe... but with Fatihah around, I don't think it's possible right now.. should wait until she's big enough so that I can bring her along and don't feel bad about leaving her and go entertained myself :P
4. Fatihah
She's now in the stage where everything around her is so interesting, and wanna get hold of 'em! Hehe.. she develops quite an interest in plush toys, especially teddy bears.. (wonder where she got that from :P)..Very eager to run everywhere, and fascinated by anything that we (Zairi, Adik and I) did... very observant and will imitate whatever we did.. so "mengada-ngada" and "manja" all the time.. hehe
5. Zairi and Adik
Zairi just passed his driving theory test... now is planning on taking the driving test.. then hopefully he'll go to school this fall... and of course need to arrange a schedule so that there's always one of us to look after our precious Fatihah... As far as Adik, he's managing quite well with his studies and all... sometimes complaining that there's ton of assignments... hey, that's what students need to do, isn't it?
By the way, we went shopping last Saturday at the Mall and managed to get good bargain on jackets, shirts, jeans, pants and some other things... hehee... it's clearance sale, again... we went there by bus and had a good time :)
Yesterday night at CE 502 class..
I got back my 1st assignment this semester..
Looked at the grade..
It's above 80, less then 90...
Syukur, Alhamdulillah..
But then the professor said...
Everybody did a good job on the 1st assignment, there's A's and B's...
I peeked my Egyptian friend's paper -- she got a 100 -- perfect score..
Took a look at a guy sitting in front me -- he got 95
Didn't manage to look at other people's grade...
There's only 7 of us in the class..
Suddenly I ferl terrible, low and disgusted with myself...
I guess I did bad compared to the others (well, I just saw the grades for two of 'em)
All of the sudden I got this mental picture about me being the worst in the class..
And then so many questions came up in my mind..
Will I be able to keep up with these people?
And sometimes I do feel I know nothing at all... zero...(kinda stupid once in a while) especially when they start throwing ideas and opinion in class
And start thinking -- geez.. how smart are these people, and how "brainless" I am..
Am I pushing/judging myself too hard? Or am I being paranoid?
*Sigh* -- I know it's not good to "sigh", but seriously, I am not feeling good about all this...
Lepas seminggu melepak
Kancil yg sarat dgn muatan..
Sebahagian sampah yg belum dibuang/di kitar semula
Rumah yang dah kosong..
So long, Kuantan... Insya Allah will be back after 3 years (or in between)...:))
Masa mula2 aku start blogging, aku selalu terfikir.. apa la agaknya 'pengisian' blog aku.. memang takde idea la mula2 tuh.. then lama kelamaan aku dah rasa blogging ni macam theraphy.. addicted pun satu gak.. sebab aku boleh meluahkan apa saja yang aku rasa.. and aku leh share dengan orang lain and vice versa.. aku pun suka je baca blog orang lain, tahu life diorang dan kenal mereka dengan lebih dekat lagi.. indirectly aku boleh belajar and bertukar-tukar fikiran in a lot of aspects of life.
So, bagi aku memang blogging ni sort of a way memberi kebebasan pada aku untuk menulis. Of course bila kita kata kebebasan tu, takdela sampai menyentuh sensiviti masyarakat. Again, menyentuh sensitiviti ni depends on how the readers interpret your writing. So bagi aku, selagi aku tak de memalukan orang in such a revealing way (bagi nama sebenar and so on), aku akan terus menulis. Yelah, kadang2 cara penulisan kita ni adalah untuk memberi pengajaran dan juga keinsafan pada diri sendiri dan juga orang lain.. agar kesilapan tu tidak berulang kembali.
Aku nak quote Mr Manager -- "Ada aku kesah?" Lagipun aku berpegang kepada prinsip -- kalau aku tak suka, aku tak baca....
I have to admit, aku memang penakut on certain things. Some of them are anything that has to do with hospital, doctors, medicine, insects, and macam2 lagilah. Lagi satu, bagi aku mata adalah anggota badan yang paling precious bagi aku -- kalau boleh aku takkan biarkan or buat apa2 pada mata aku (pakai contact lens ke, nak masukkan2 benda ke.. aku takut!) Huhu.. bukannya apa, bila melibatkan mata ni, imagination aku running wild.. mesti terfikir kalau apa2 jadi kat mata hitam aku ke, aku terjadi buta ke.. huhu.. mintak simpanglah... tu la pasal sampai mati pun aku tak nak pakai contact lens (part of it sebab penakut mengatasi segalanya, second baru sbb imagination tadi tu, tak ditambah cerita org lain pasal pakai contact lenses ni..)
So kisah semalam melibatkan mata kiri aku..tgh melipat baju tetiba je rasa mata mcm kesat, aku pun dgn gatal tangannya menenyeh mata .. tup..tup rasa mata aku pedih dan kesat.. waaa.. menyesal pulak aku menenyeh semalam.. aku terus cakap kat Zairi ada benda masuk mata.. aku terus takut.. Zairi suruh letak eye-mo lepas tu tido.. so aku pun letak la eye-mo (letak dari tepi, sebab aku penakut nak letak eye-mo dlm mata direct mcm tu.. huhu), then aku tido.. lepas tu pukul 2.30am , lepas bagi Fatihah susu, mata aku terus rasa kesat lagi.. mulalah pikir bukan2.. kalau sampai bila2 macam tu macamana.. terus aku kejut Zairi nangis2 sebab takut.. Zairi pulak dok takut2kan aku.. tensen betul.. dia kata kalau aku jumpa doktor, doktor akan pusing bola mata aku sampai mata hitam naik atas.. waaaaaaaaaa.. tak rasa ke aku makin takut and tak leh nak tido..tapi sebab mengantuk sgt terlelap la aku..
Masa bgn pagi tadi sebelum gi keje aku masih tak rasa ada perubahan kat mata aku walau dah letak eye-mo..makanya, Zairi hantar aku gi keje and beli Optrex eye lotion. Dia siap demo kat aku macamana nak pakai eye lotion tu... so sekarang ni dah 3 kali aku cuci pakai eye lotion tu walaupun sebenarnya masa nak cuci tu aku sgt takut sebab kena bukak mata kan..
Huhu...sekarang ni aku kejap rasa ok kejap rasa tak ok lak mata kiri aku ni.. Aku lak takut nak jumpa doktor.. takut dicuci sambil putar bola mata aku, tak ke naya... waaaa... huhuhu... aku makin tensen.. dahlah byk keje nak kena buat... waaaaaaa...
Di saat ini aku rasa nak meraung je.. nasib la tak sampai tahap nak meroyan.. aku rasa mcm terlalu byk sgt benda yg aku kena buat sampai naik takut lak aku.. ntah sempat ntah tidak jee.. Aku ada masa sampai 19hb Disember ni, nak kena siapkan mcm2.. barang kat umah tak abis kemas lagi (sampai satu tahap aku rasa nak lempar je semua brg.. napelah brg aku byk sgt? hiiii...), kerja2 ofis melambak (lagi dekat masa aku nak resign HOD, lagi melambak keje nak kena settle.. waaa)..Aku sekarang ni sebab dah byk sgt benda nak kena buat, terus tak tau nak buat mana satu dulu.. aku boleh termangu jap dgn komputer sblm taip entry ni.. nak upah org dtg kemas umah, dah tentu2 org tu tak tau apa yg aku nak and apa yg aku tak nak.. uwaaarrrggghhh.. time is running.. boleh jadi bengong aku dibuatnya.. saat-saat ni rasa nak gi vacation jek... boleh tak camtu? Pening kepala pulak weh... nak carik minyak cap kapak jap.. terasa berputar pulak kepala aku.. erkk...
On the other hand, Zairi dapat interview untuk biasiswa HLP JPA pada 16 Disember 2008 kat Politeknik Shah Alam. Dia kena siapkan proposal utk interview and aku tolong2 la apa yg patut.. Harap2 dia dapatlah secure the scholarship tu.. All the best to you, abg.. :)
Sahabatku
Persahabatan itu merupakan satu anugerah
Membuat kita tertawa, menangis, memberi, menerima
Dan yang paling penting
Membuat kita saling menghargai
Sesungguhnya
Aku bersyukur pada hadrat Illahi
Diketemukan dengan kalian
Pelbagai ragam dapat kupelajari
Menjadi panduan di kemudian hari
Yang baik dijadikan teladan
Yang buruk dijadikan pengajaran
Itulah lumrah kehidupan
Warna-warni persahabatan
Ketahuilah
Selagi aku bernafas di muka bumi Allah
Selagi hayat dikandung badan
Perhubungan ini tidak mungkin menemui noktahnya
Tidak akan kubenarkan
Melainkan maut menjemputku
Kerna aku seorang pemburu
Tetapi
Aku hanyalah insan biasa
Meskipun berusaha sedalam lautan
Setinggi langit, seluas alam semesta
Tidak bisa menolak suratanNya
Apatah lagi menyesali takdir
Hanya berserah pada Yang Maha Esa
Kerna itulah yang telah dicoretkan
Sejak azali
Aku sedih hari ni. Plus kecik hati sekali. If u're in my shoes, how do you feel? Here's what makes me feel that way -->
My term as Head of Department (HOD) ends December 2008. (That's approximately 2 months to go). I'm fine with it, yelah.. I'm leaving for my PhD in January 09. Of course I'm thinking of the most suitable person to replace me as HOD. In my case, it's hard to choose since most of my 'anak buah' all are kinda new people (baru 1 or 2 year experience). Most of the senior lecturers are on study leave. There is one person, though.. yet I dun think she's suitable.. too much things happened when she replaced me during maternity leave before...
However, the reason of my unstable emotion today is merely the fact that there are some 'anak buah' yang sort of 'ganging up' on me right now, and turn to the one person tu as if she's the new HOD. Hellooooooooo, I'm still the HOD okay... There are tremendous things that I need to get done, and I need help from my 'anak buah', and why the h*** are they (a couple of them) obsessing her and mengadap sgt dia as if she's in charge? (mind my language, I'm seriously PISSED). Kalau ye pun ko nak gulingkan aku, buang masa je.. lagi dua bulan je pun aku jadi HOD. So, can't u people bear with me for 2 f***ing months for the sake of getting the job done?
Fuhhh.. Sorry people. Aku nak luahkan perasaan. Kecik ati nak mampuss... My term as HOD still berjalan lagi, buat aku macam patung je... So, conclusion is.. I'm calling for a meeting.. and guess what? Aku nak cakap direct je... biar masing2 tahu situasi sekarang..geram aku!!!
Heh.. tajuk bunyi macam jiwang.. haha.. tetiba je terasa kerinduan yang teramat sangat pada insan-insan tertentu. Bila duduk2 tu, rasa macam nak ulangi saat2 indah bersama. At this very moment, I really miss..
a) My Masters classmates - Min, Baya, Balqis, K.Ina, Zura, K.Aizan, Wan, Din, Nazri, Cik Kai, Hasli dan lain-lain.. 2 tahun belajar tu serasa kami memang close sangat2.. lunch sama2, lepak sama2..buat discussion sama2.. memang best la saat itu.. kitorang yg ladies ni asyik tumpang kereta Hasli je nak ke mana2.. maklumlah dia bawak kereta baru time tu.. hehe..
b) My childhood friends - Marina, Hazirah, Jainy, Sanjeeta, Monitha, Alwi, Paw, Mus, Salahuddin, etc.. ni kira member sekolah rendah and menengah.. kitorang membesar bersama, so ada la kisah2 lucu and sedih yang kami kongsi bersama.. bilalah boleh reunion dgn diorang ni ek...
c) My gang at Kolej Cempaka Kenanga, UiTM Shah Alam - Izlin, Wani, Rima, Marlinah, Eju, Inas, Naim, etc.. kitorang ni kira 'otai' kolej ah.. mmg kaki kecoh.. kengkonon glamer satu kolej la tu.. haha.. then waktu ni la ada yg develop crush dgn org itu la, org ini la.. so we share quite a few things and we definitely had an enjoyable life sepanjang time buat diploma dulu..
As in memories that I missed...
i) Beraya selamba je gi rumah orang walaupun tak kenal.. hehe.. that was masa sekolah rendah dulu.. best je bila dapat duit raya...masa tu la sibuk nak compare sapa dapat duit banyak..
ii) Gi outing dengan geng masa kat UiTM dulu.. merata gak la kitorang pergi..bila weekend kalau aku tak balik rumah, ada je arah nak dituju.. time tu memang best and happening sungguh.. kalau naik bas, serasa kitorang yg conquer bas tu.. haha
iii) Shopping masa belajar kat US dulu.. memang saje tunggu thanksgiving week, masa tu memang shop till u drop lah kiranya.. mana taknya, sale gile2, byk jugak la borong... hopefully next year ada la kesempatan nak bershopping kat sana lagi :P
Apa lagi ye? Actually, banyak memories yang kalau boleh aku nak ulangi semula.. tapi there's too much to write.. cukuplah di atas tu dulu..
*I'm walking down memory lane *sigh*
This week I've been digging information on visa application, browsing through the Iowa State's Uni (ISU) website in order to get a glimpse of what I should do/prepare before school starts. I was then suddenly getting cold feet. Reading on all the graduate school requirements, preliminary exam and stuff related to a doctoral degree makes me nervous. Then the big question pops up - Am I physically and mentally prepared? for the PhD? Then comes the other related what-if questions. Mostly negative. So there. I am getting cold feet as the time passes. Timecheck - it's less than 3 months till I leave for PhD.
Reading a book - "PhD: Kecil tapi Signifikan" by Prof Dr Muhd. Kamil Ibrahim from UiTM, loaned by K.Anisz created an undescribable pool of emotions in me. I am nervous as hell, oh yeah. Simultaneously I'm excited, plus a little bit of unsure. Will I get through it? My previous supervisor, PM Dr Ahmad Ruslan - when I was doing my Masters told me -" PhD stands for Permanent Head Damage". Haha. Seriously? My guess it depends on individual. But my friend Sam who's in the final stage of completing her PhD at ISU said it's tough work. I can only prayed that I'll get through it.. Insya Allah..
By the way, it is a good book to read especially for people like me, intending to pursue my PhD - it does give an insight on what to expect while doing a PhD, preparations and such on that matter. As I am counting the days to go to the States, the nervous I am!
26 Sept 2008 --> There goes our first car... sedih tu memanglah sedih.. tapi nak buat camane... We have to let go the car... nak gi jauh dah kan..
In the meantime pakai kereta apa? Kancil je.. itupun pinjam daddy punye... :P
Walaupun aku busy sgt2 semenjak dua menjak ni, aku masih lagi curik masa nak post entry kat blog ni..bukannya apa.. serasa macam kurang sikit serabutnya bila dapat post entry.. hehe.. so kali ni aku nak cerita atas keserabutan aku sebab dah ada orang tegur dah tadi.." nape serabut je hari ni?".. huhuhu...
Aku tengah nak siap2kan agreement MARA, then tadi gi amik report medical checkup and x-ray sekali.. petang ni pulak ada meeting.. tapi aku tak gi la kot.. sebab ada kelas lepas tu.. jadi hari ni agak serabut sikit dan jiwa agak kacau..
Lately ni aku rasa letih yang teramat sangat.. letih fizikal tu tak de la sangat. Aku rasa letih mental yang lebih.. maybe aku dok pikir nak mengemas barang2.. nak settle itu ini, tak masuk la kerja2 harian di pejabat dan di rumah.. seriously, aku memang extremely penat..at one time tu rasa macam nak pengsan ajee.. i think i need something to boost up my energy level.. apa yek? ada suggestion, anyone??
Kisah buka puasa kat vistana semalam?? nanti2 la aku post entry.. tak de masa nak download gambar...
Isk isk isk.. pepagi hari rabu ni aku dah tension.. pasal apa pulak la aku nak meroyan je pagi2 ni... dari malam tadi aku dok pikir pasal mende ni.. sekarang ni kat kolej setiap hari rabu top management kena pakai baju korporat.. WAJIB... aku tak de masalah nak pakai baju korporat.. TAPI.. yang buat aku hangin pepagi ni....
1. Baju korporat yang aku kena pakai ni mahal giler... RM95... sendirik kena bayar ye... tapi aku tak kisahla nak bayar mahal, dengan syarat baju tu worth it.. bak kata orang alah membeli menang memakai... honestly, baju tu tak padan la dengan harga RM95.. Aku punya expectation pada baju yang RM95 tu mesti la produk tu kena dengan aku (i.e size, etc).. baju tu punyalah BESAR... sampaikan Zairi pakai pun longgar lagi... aku ni tentu2 la akan jadi semakin "sedang" dan "rendang" bila dah pakai baju tu... masa amik saiz baju, bukan ukur badan pun.. makin hangin la aku bila memikirkannya.. main amik size ikut sample baju yg ada.. dan sample tu pulak, yg kecik, kecik sungguh..yang besar, besar sangat... grrrrrrrr..... dah bayar mahal,kan.. fitting je la....grrrrrrr....
2. Baju korporat macam ni kalau orang lelaki pakai memang la smart.. tapi kalau orang pompuan pakai, buruk la ya amat... sebab baju ni cutting ikut kemeja lelaki... huhuhu... lagi tambah hanginn... kalau dah tau orang pompuan punya, buatlah ada dart ke, cutting skit ke.. ini sebijik rupa baju kemeja orang lelaki... bayangkanla kalau tak tuck-in, besar pulak tu... selekeh je rupanya... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Aku tension betul... nasib la bulan puasa... kata Zairi pagi tadi - "Ala.. pakai je la.. asal nak bising2.." Aku bising sebab aku yg kena pakai.. so nampak gayanya kena la aku alter baju ni.. tapi sebab harganya RM95, kalau baju tu Rm60 tak pe la lagi... seriously... aku rasa macam something wrong somewhere je hari ni bila pakai baju ni...
Oh ya, and for the rest of the wednesdays, I'll be wearing this.. harap lepas alter oklah skit kot...
Sorry peeps... secara mentalnya aku tgh berserabut skrg... rasa nak meraung pun ada.. aaaahhh... nnt2 la hapdet kat sini... aku xde mood skrg ni...nak gi jln2 kat Mall boleh??
"My loneliness is killing me.... "
Me being lonely? Funny, eh? Aku ada famili kat sini, apa kejadahnya nak feeling2 lonely? Ha.. sure korang cakap camtu, kan... Well, of course I'm glad that I have my family here with me, tapi context loneliness yang akan kukupas dalam entry ni lain...
Bila dah berada jauh diperantauan ni, perasaan ni hadir lagi. Bukan aku yang meminta, tapi secara tiba2. Emosi, orang kata. Dulu aku pernah rasa macam ni sekali. Now is the second time. Isk. Emosi ini buat aku sedih. Sungguh aku tak suka dengan feeling ni. Tapi aku tak reti nak luahkan dengan kata2. Sebab aku bukan jenis itu. Jadi blog nilah tempat aku luahkan segala...
Me being lonely? Funny, eh? Aku ada famili kat sini, apa kejadahnya nak feeling2 lonely? Ha.. sure korang cakap camtu, kan... Well, of course I'm glad that I have my family here with me, tapi context loneliness yang akan kukupas dalam entry ni lain...
Bila dah berada jauh diperantauan ni, perasaan ni hadir lagi. Bukan aku yang meminta, tapi secara tiba2. Emosi, orang kata. Dulu aku pernah rasa macam ni sekali. Now is the second time. Isk. Emosi ini buat aku sedih. Sungguh aku tak suka dengan feeling ni. Tapi aku tak reti nak luahkan dengan kata2. Sebab aku bukan jenis itu. Jadi blog nilah tempat aku luahkan segala...
First time...
Masa tu aku undergraduate, lokasinya sama je, di Iowa State ni la... masa aku arrive, tak ramai pun orang melayu. Ada 3 orang lelaki -- Azlan, Shahril dan Rapid. Famili melayu pulak ada satu -- famili kak maya and abg ishak. So masa aku arrive, famili kak fauziah pun arrive sama. So kesimpulannya banyak tu je la kami orang melayu.
At that moment, sungguh terasa loneliness itu. Dahlah bujang, tak de geng. Aku baik je dengan famili kak fauziah and kak maya. But sometimes you need to hang out with friends, and doing stuff. Aku tak nak la susahkan famili2 tu sebab mereka pun dah ada famili, kan... Makanya tercatuk la aku kat Frederikson Court, merenung tingkap dan terasa sgt lonely. Nak join American friends, sgt tak appropriate. Diorang ajak gi bar, hangout. Itu bukan aku. Budak2 cina, sama je. Once in a while ada la join diorang main pool and bowling, but then, once in a while. Sudahnya, aku sendiri lagi... Oh.. and it's not appropriate for me to hang around Azlan, Shahril and Rapid all the time, kan... huhuhuhu... so there.... that was kinda the scenario sblm Sam datang....
Now the loneliness is here. Again. *Sigh*. Kali ni aku datang bawak famili. Syukur. At least the loneliness part of missing family is partly settled. Wait till mama and daddy come, then it's fully settled. Loneliness ini takde kaitan dgn famili. Agaknya about me. Isk isk, Sungguh complicated utk aku nyatakan. Bila duduk2 tu, aku teringat. Jauh. Sesekali terusik gak hati ni. Teringat kat kawan2. Apa khabar agaknya korang ek? Especially orang2 kat KPTM. Entah ingat ntah tidak. Kenangan itu datang lagi, Hang out together, sembang2, makan sesama. Rindu sungguh saat itu. For those people who knows me, aku suka bercerita, gosip2, bual2 kosong... hehehe... kan best kalau momen2 itu ada di sini... memang aku ada famili... but then there are always time that I need to talk to somebody.. saja2 je... sembang2.... other than Zairi and Adik. I guess my point is, I'm missing my girlfriends... and that is when the loneliness starts to come again...
It's been 4 months now since we arrived here. Alhamdulillah we got to learn many things. I learn a great deal about friendship, and many more. Thanks a lot to the people here that makes us feel at home. Terharu sgt. You guys know who you are. Kami amat menghargainya... we always feel that we are being left out most of the time, but then, I hope it was just a feeling. All in all, we are truly happy here, and enjoying our lives at the fullest..
Disclaimer: Entry ini adalah luahan hati penulis semata-mata dan tidak berniat menyinggung mana2 pihak.
It's been 4 months now since we arrived here. Alhamdulillah we got to learn many things. I learn a great deal about friendship, and many more. Thanks a lot to the people here that makes us feel at home. Terharu sgt. You guys know who you are. Kami amat menghargainya... we always feel that we are being left out most of the time, but then, I hope it was just a feeling. All in all, we are truly happy here, and enjoying our lives at the fullest..
Disclaimer: Entry ini adalah luahan hati penulis semata-mata dan tidak berniat menyinggung mana2 pihak.
Aiseh... letih ah bila cakap bab2 makan nih...
kenapa ek? apa agaknya yang meletihkan aku tu?
bukannya apa.. aku sangat 'berchenta' bila nak pikir nak makan apa
sebab2nya ---
1. aku tak tau nak masak apa... boring ah makan nasik.. nak2 kitorang mmg jenis bkn makan nasik hari2 pagi petang siang malam...
2. nak makan western? dah muak... asyik2 makan spageti, pasta2, salad, sandwich, u name it... bosan!!
3. masa dulu kat malaysia kami ni jenis mkn2 mi... mi goreng ke, bihun goreng ke, kuetiow goreng ke... la ni dah bosan dah mkn bihun... asyik goreng bihun jee... nak makan kuetiow kerang, sebutir kerang pun xde kat sini... huhuh
4. kat malaysia kalau malas nak masak, boleh je gi order kat gerai ke kedai makan restoran mana2 ke, makan fast food ke.... kat sini mana ada.... nak makan fast food, tak halal.... nak makan kat luar, tak halal gak... plus mahal... kalau aku sorang lain cerita, ni dah ada family ni kena la pikir dua tiga kali nak mkn kat luar....
5. sometimes weekend tu ada la aku masak cam beriyani ke nasi lemak ke nasi ayam ke... tapi sekarang ni dah bosan dah makan benda2 tu... not to mention tom yam and adik beradik sup sumer tu... dah bosan jugak...
so kesimpulannya, aku tak tau dah nak makan apa... mesti korang tertanya2 apa yg kitorang makan kat sini kan? aku tak de la rajin nak masak mcm2... kerja melambak2...tunggu weekend je la.. dah kering idea dah.... jejaka2 dalam rumah semua dah bosan makan nasi... jejaki/anak dara je yg makan bubur nasi... hehe...
waaaaaaaa...... bosannyaaaaaaaaaa..... oh ikan keli... kenapa kao tiada kelibatnya di sini? huhuhu....
kenapa ek? apa agaknya yang meletihkan aku tu?
bukannya apa.. aku sangat 'berchenta' bila nak pikir nak makan apa
sebab2nya ---
1. aku tak tau nak masak apa... boring ah makan nasik.. nak2 kitorang mmg jenis bkn makan nasik hari2 pagi petang siang malam...
2. nak makan western? dah muak... asyik2 makan spageti, pasta2, salad, sandwich, u name it... bosan!!
3. masa dulu kat malaysia kami ni jenis mkn2 mi... mi goreng ke, bihun goreng ke, kuetiow goreng ke... la ni dah bosan dah mkn bihun... asyik goreng bihun jee... nak makan kuetiow kerang, sebutir kerang pun xde kat sini... huhuh
4. kat malaysia kalau malas nak masak, boleh je gi order kat gerai ke kedai makan restoran mana2 ke, makan fast food ke.... kat sini mana ada.... nak makan fast food, tak halal.... nak makan kat luar, tak halal gak... plus mahal... kalau aku sorang lain cerita, ni dah ada family ni kena la pikir dua tiga kali nak mkn kat luar....
5. sometimes weekend tu ada la aku masak cam beriyani ke nasi lemak ke nasi ayam ke... tapi sekarang ni dah bosan dah makan benda2 tu... not to mention tom yam and adik beradik sup sumer tu... dah bosan jugak...
so kesimpulannya, aku tak tau dah nak makan apa... mesti korang tertanya2 apa yg kitorang makan kat sini kan? aku tak de la rajin nak masak mcm2... kerja melambak2...tunggu weekend je la.. dah kering idea dah.... jejaka2 dalam rumah semua dah bosan makan nasi... jejaki/anak dara je yg makan bubur nasi... hehe...
waaaaaaaa...... bosannyaaaaaaaaaa..... oh ikan keli... kenapa kao tiada kelibatnya di sini? huhuhu....
I fell in love with this song when I first watched it on YouTube. It's also the background song for my blog :)) This beautiful ballad is sang by Jessica Simpson (I am not a big fan of her, but this song is so touching and made me cry because I love seeing Jess and Nick together-- but they aren't anymore, so....:( ). Anyway, enjoy this song's videoclip (if you are unable to listen to the background song for some reason)
"When You Told Me You Loved Me"
Once
Doesn't mean anything to me
Come
Show me the meaning of complete
Where
Did our love go wrong
Once we were so strong
How can I go on?
When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
To get over the feeling of knowing a dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
How could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one
Why
Can't I just leave it all behind
I
Felt passion so bright that I was blind
Then
Something made me weak
Talking in my sleep
Baby, I'm in so deep and you know I believed
When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
To get over the feeling of knowing a dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
How could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one
Your lips
Your face
Something that time just can't erase
Find my heart could break
All over again
When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
To get over the feeling of knowing a dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
How could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one
Aku sebenarnya tak de mood nak post entry within these few days. Ni pun sebab rasa mcm tak best pulak kalau tak update entry. Aku sbenarnya berada dalam keadaan bercelaru, dan sedang bermacam2 benda sedang menghantui otak aku ni...
Macam yang aku tulis sebelum ni, Zairi dah pn dapat offer sambung master, under KPT (kementerian pengajian tinggi). Alhamdulillah, syukur sgt2. Bukan semua org dapat peluang mcm ni, kan... anyway, nak dijadikan cerita, kami sekeluarga dah diuji dengan dugaan dari Allah.. semua pun sedia maklum kan kalau ditaja government ni kena attend kursus BTN and mcm2 mak nenek lagi la kan... so yg memeningkan kepala kitorg is... Zairi kena pergi BTN and kursus quantitive analysis (QA) upon receiving scholarship tu. Isk.. isk... persoalannya ---
1. Camane lak dia nak attend kedua2 course tu? Dia dah ada kt sini... xkan nak balik Malaysia?Lgpun baru je sampai sini. ongkosnya lagi??
2. Boleh ke kalau dia mintak tangguh BTN and kursus QA tu supaya dibuat di tgh/hujung pengajiannya?
3. Orang kolej komuniti tu takkan tak bgtau kementerian yg Zairi dh ada kat sini? Bagi org kementrian aware skit ttg hal ni?
4. Yg paling sengal -- BTN tu start 26 hb februari ni ye.. so tak ke sesak otak kitorang nak pikir cara penyelesaian?
There ... lega skit bila dapat luahka dalam blog... Kalau sapa2 ada cadangan/penyelesaian untuk membantu meringankan beban kitorang, sila-silalah ye.... serius buntu ni weh....
2 pagi yang lalu...
Zairi: Bangunlah... abg nak tunjuk something..
Aku : (Sambil terpisat-pisat) Apa dia?
Zairi: Meh la kat sini (sambil keluar bilik).. Tengok ni...
Aku : (Sambil tenyeh-tenyeh mata) Mana? Apa?
Zairi: (Sambil tunjuk skrin laptopnya) Ni ha...
Dengan mengantuknya aku kedepankan muka ke skrin sambil mengecikkan bijik mata (akukan rabun.. mana ada pkai spek time tu.. haha..). Ini yang aku lihat..
Klik sini untuk paparan yg lebih jelas
Maka aku dgn excitednya memeluk Zairi and cakap -- Congrats, abg!!! hehehe...
Alhamdulillah, Zairi akan ditaja sepenuhnya oleh JPA (under KPT) untuk melanjutkan pelajaran di peringkat Masters.. kira ni official dah la.. syukur sgt2... ni kira hadiah birthday yang paling bermakna la buat dia.. hehehe...
Tiba2 dlm kepala otak aku dah berfikir -- haiiishhhh... lepas ni leh la kitorang bershopping sakan.. muahahahahaa...
Answers:
1. In general (as in so far, throughout the semester) -- okay, i guess
2. Now, as in right this moment -- not so good
Let's see in detail --
1. Classes
I'm taking 3 classes this semester, and so far in general everything went fine, except... remember the class that I was fussing about in my previous entry? The one that demotivates me due to the grade? yeah... it's that class again, people... i suck! i suck bigtime!!! i dunno what went wrong, and obviously i got the 2nd assignment back, with grades less than before.... *grrrrrrrrrrrrr* Seriously pissed with myself right now,don't know what i got wrong for. To make things worse, my Egyptian friend, (oh.. i should write an entry about her some time, by the way her name is Ghada) she got a perfect score. AGAIN. I'm feeling sick of myself. Duh. I know some people out there will say -- OK, SO YOU SLACKED OFF THE FIRST TWO ASSIGNMENTS. BIG DEAL! Well, it is a big deal for me, and might not be for some of you out there... I wasn't like this before, you know... throughout my masters and even during my undergrad... just make me feel soooo dumb whenever I keep thinking about it.. so I'm gonna drop the subject...*grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* But I did took Ghada's paper back home so I can see where I got wrong..
2. Research
I'm currently in the process of starting doing literature review, and I'll be working on this cool project with my professor. I will only come up with a topic for my dissertation whenever I'm halfway through the lit review process. I'm feeling pretty good about it (eventhough I have a stack of articles to read), and I also discovered some good stuff to accompany my research process. I'm trying to use EndNote and Google Docs as my research tools, and help me keep organized all the time.
3. Life as a student/wife/mother
I am trying my best to allocate quality time for research work, family time, blogging time (need to allocate a good 2 hours for blog hopping and updating, since I know there are people waiting for updates :)), homework/studying time and of course, shopping (either grocery or window.. haha).. But once in a while, I need a break and just wanna enjoy life! Err.. I hope I can go and watch movies.. seriously, there are tons of good movies here, hehe... but with Fatihah around, I don't think it's possible right now.. should wait until she's big enough so that I can bring her along and don't feel bad about leaving her and go entertained myself :P
4. Fatihah
She's now in the stage where everything around her is so interesting, and wanna get hold of 'em! Hehe.. she develops quite an interest in plush toys, especially teddy bears.. (wonder where she got that from :P)..Very eager to run everywhere, and fascinated by anything that we (Zairi, Adik and I) did... very observant and will imitate whatever we did.. so "mengada-ngada" and "manja" all the time.. hehe
5. Zairi and Adik
Zairi just passed his driving theory test... now is planning on taking the driving test.. then hopefully he'll go to school this fall... and of course need to arrange a schedule so that there's always one of us to look after our precious Fatihah... As far as Adik, he's managing quite well with his studies and all... sometimes complaining that there's ton of assignments... hey, that's what students need to do, isn't it?
By the way, we went shopping last Saturday at the Mall and managed to get good bargain on jackets, shirts, jeans, pants and some other things... hehee... it's clearance sale, again... we went there by bus and had a good time :)
Yesterday night at CE 502 class..
I got back my 1st assignment this semester..
Looked at the grade..
It's above 80, less then 90...
Syukur, Alhamdulillah..
But then the professor said...
Everybody did a good job on the 1st assignment, there's A's and B's...
I peeked my Egyptian friend's paper -- she got a 100 -- perfect score..
Took a look at a guy sitting in front me -- he got 95
Didn't manage to look at other people's grade...
There's only 7 of us in the class..
Suddenly I ferl terrible, low and disgusted with myself...
I guess I did bad compared to the others (well, I just saw the grades for two of 'em)
All of the sudden I got this mental picture about me being the worst in the class..
And then so many questions came up in my mind..
Will I be able to keep up with these people?
And sometimes I do feel I know nothing at all... zero...(kinda stupid once in a while) especially when they start throwing ideas and opinion in class
And start thinking -- geez.. how smart are these people, and how "brainless" I am..
Am I pushing/judging myself too hard? Or am I being paranoid?
*Sigh* -- I know it's not good to "sigh", but seriously, I am not feeling good about all this...
Lepas seminggu melepak
Kancil yg sarat dgn muatan..
Sebahagian sampah yg belum dibuang/di kitar semula
Rumah yang dah kosong..
So long, Kuantan... Insya Allah will be back after 3 years (or in between)...:))
Masa mula2 aku start blogging, aku selalu terfikir.. apa la agaknya 'pengisian' blog aku.. memang takde idea la mula2 tuh.. then lama kelamaan aku dah rasa blogging ni macam theraphy.. addicted pun satu gak.. sebab aku boleh meluahkan apa saja yang aku rasa.. and aku leh share dengan orang lain and vice versa.. aku pun suka je baca blog orang lain, tahu life diorang dan kenal mereka dengan lebih dekat lagi.. indirectly aku boleh belajar and bertukar-tukar fikiran in a lot of aspects of life.
So, bagi aku memang blogging ni sort of a way memberi kebebasan pada aku untuk menulis. Of course bila kita kata kebebasan tu, takdela sampai menyentuh sensiviti masyarakat. Again, menyentuh sensitiviti ni depends on how the readers interpret your writing. So bagi aku, selagi aku tak de memalukan orang in such a revealing way (bagi nama sebenar and so on), aku akan terus menulis. Yelah, kadang2 cara penulisan kita ni adalah untuk memberi pengajaran dan juga keinsafan pada diri sendiri dan juga orang lain.. agar kesilapan tu tidak berulang kembali.
Aku nak quote Mr Manager -- "Ada aku kesah?" Lagipun aku berpegang kepada prinsip -- kalau aku tak suka, aku tak baca....
I have to admit, aku memang penakut on certain things. Some of them are anything that has to do with hospital, doctors, medicine, insects, and macam2 lagilah. Lagi satu, bagi aku mata adalah anggota badan yang paling precious bagi aku -- kalau boleh aku takkan biarkan or buat apa2 pada mata aku (pakai contact lens ke, nak masukkan2 benda ke.. aku takut!) Huhu.. bukannya apa, bila melibatkan mata ni, imagination aku running wild.. mesti terfikir kalau apa2 jadi kat mata hitam aku ke, aku terjadi buta ke.. huhu.. mintak simpanglah... tu la pasal sampai mati pun aku tak nak pakai contact lens (part of it sebab penakut mengatasi segalanya, second baru sbb imagination tadi tu, tak ditambah cerita org lain pasal pakai contact lenses ni..)
So kisah semalam melibatkan mata kiri aku..tgh melipat baju tetiba je rasa mata mcm kesat, aku pun dgn gatal tangannya menenyeh mata .. tup..tup rasa mata aku pedih dan kesat.. waaa.. menyesal pulak aku menenyeh semalam.. aku terus cakap kat Zairi ada benda masuk mata.. aku terus takut.. Zairi suruh letak eye-mo lepas tu tido.. so aku pun letak la eye-mo (letak dari tepi, sebab aku penakut nak letak eye-mo dlm mata direct mcm tu.. huhu), then aku tido.. lepas tu pukul 2.30am , lepas bagi Fatihah susu, mata aku terus rasa kesat lagi.. mulalah pikir bukan2.. kalau sampai bila2 macam tu macamana.. terus aku kejut Zairi nangis2 sebab takut.. Zairi pulak dok takut2kan aku.. tensen betul.. dia kata kalau aku jumpa doktor, doktor akan pusing bola mata aku sampai mata hitam naik atas.. waaaaaaaaaa.. tak rasa ke aku makin takut and tak leh nak tido..tapi sebab mengantuk sgt terlelap la aku..
Masa bgn pagi tadi sebelum gi keje aku masih tak rasa ada perubahan kat mata aku walau dah letak eye-mo..makanya, Zairi hantar aku gi keje and beli Optrex eye lotion. Dia siap demo kat aku macamana nak pakai eye lotion tu... so sekarang ni dah 3 kali aku cuci pakai eye lotion tu walaupun sebenarnya masa nak cuci tu aku sgt takut sebab kena bukak mata kan..
Huhu...sekarang ni aku kejap rasa ok kejap rasa tak ok lak mata kiri aku ni.. Aku lak takut nak jumpa doktor.. takut dicuci sambil putar bola mata aku, tak ke naya... waaaa... huhuhu... aku makin tensen.. dahlah byk keje nak kena buat... waaaaaaa...
Di saat ini aku rasa nak meraung je.. nasib la tak sampai tahap nak meroyan.. aku rasa mcm terlalu byk sgt benda yg aku kena buat sampai naik takut lak aku.. ntah sempat ntah tidak jee.. Aku ada masa sampai 19hb Disember ni, nak kena siapkan mcm2.. barang kat umah tak abis kemas lagi (sampai satu tahap aku rasa nak lempar je semua brg.. napelah brg aku byk sgt? hiiii...), kerja2 ofis melambak (lagi dekat masa aku nak resign HOD, lagi melambak keje nak kena settle.. waaa)..Aku sekarang ni sebab dah byk sgt benda nak kena buat, terus tak tau nak buat mana satu dulu.. aku boleh termangu jap dgn komputer sblm taip entry ni.. nak upah org dtg kemas umah, dah tentu2 org tu tak tau apa yg aku nak and apa yg aku tak nak.. uwaaarrrggghhh.. time is running.. boleh jadi bengong aku dibuatnya.. saat-saat ni rasa nak gi vacation jek... boleh tak camtu? Pening kepala pulak weh... nak carik minyak cap kapak jap.. terasa berputar pulak kepala aku.. erkk...
On the other hand, Zairi dapat interview untuk biasiswa HLP JPA pada 16 Disember 2008 kat Politeknik Shah Alam. Dia kena siapkan proposal utk interview and aku tolong2 la apa yg patut.. Harap2 dia dapatlah secure the scholarship tu.. All the best to you, abg.. :)
Sahabatku
Persahabatan itu merupakan satu anugerah
Membuat kita tertawa, menangis, memberi, menerima
Dan yang paling penting
Membuat kita saling menghargai
Sesungguhnya
Aku bersyukur pada hadrat Illahi
Diketemukan dengan kalian
Pelbagai ragam dapat kupelajari
Menjadi panduan di kemudian hari
Yang baik dijadikan teladan
Yang buruk dijadikan pengajaran
Itulah lumrah kehidupan
Warna-warni persahabatan
Ketahuilah
Selagi aku bernafas di muka bumi Allah
Selagi hayat dikandung badan
Perhubungan ini tidak mungkin menemui noktahnya
Tidak akan kubenarkan
Melainkan maut menjemputku
Kerna aku seorang pemburu
Tetapi
Aku hanyalah insan biasa
Meskipun berusaha sedalam lautan
Setinggi langit, seluas alam semesta
Tidak bisa menolak suratanNya
Apatah lagi menyesali takdir
Hanya berserah pada Yang Maha Esa
Kerna itulah yang telah dicoretkan
Sejak azali
Aku sedih hari ni. Plus kecik hati sekali. If u're in my shoes, how do you feel? Here's what makes me feel that way -->
My term as Head of Department (HOD) ends December 2008. (That's approximately 2 months to go). I'm fine with it, yelah.. I'm leaving for my PhD in January 09. Of course I'm thinking of the most suitable person to replace me as HOD. In my case, it's hard to choose since most of my 'anak buah' all are kinda new people (baru 1 or 2 year experience). Most of the senior lecturers are on study leave. There is one person, though.. yet I dun think she's suitable.. too much things happened when she replaced me during maternity leave before...
However, the reason of my unstable emotion today is merely the fact that there are some 'anak buah' yang sort of 'ganging up' on me right now, and turn to the one person tu as if she's the new HOD. Hellooooooooo, I'm still the HOD okay... There are tremendous things that I need to get done, and I need help from my 'anak buah', and why the h*** are they (a couple of them) obsessing her and mengadap sgt dia as if she's in charge? (mind my language, I'm seriously PISSED). Kalau ye pun ko nak gulingkan aku, buang masa je.. lagi dua bulan je pun aku jadi HOD. So, can't u people bear with me for 2 f***ing months for the sake of getting the job done?
Fuhhh.. Sorry people. Aku nak luahkan perasaan. Kecik ati nak mampuss... My term as HOD still berjalan lagi, buat aku macam patung je... So, conclusion is.. I'm calling for a meeting.. and guess what? Aku nak cakap direct je... biar masing2 tahu situasi sekarang..geram aku!!!
Heh.. tajuk bunyi macam jiwang.. haha.. tetiba je terasa kerinduan yang teramat sangat pada insan-insan tertentu. Bila duduk2 tu, rasa macam nak ulangi saat2 indah bersama. At this very moment, I really miss..
a) My Masters classmates - Min, Baya, Balqis, K.Ina, Zura, K.Aizan, Wan, Din, Nazri, Cik Kai, Hasli dan lain-lain.. 2 tahun belajar tu serasa kami memang close sangat2.. lunch sama2, lepak sama2..buat discussion sama2.. memang best la saat itu.. kitorang yg ladies ni asyik tumpang kereta Hasli je nak ke mana2.. maklumlah dia bawak kereta baru time tu.. hehe..
b) My childhood friends - Marina, Hazirah, Jainy, Sanjeeta, Monitha, Alwi, Paw, Mus, Salahuddin, etc.. ni kira member sekolah rendah and menengah.. kitorang membesar bersama, so ada la kisah2 lucu and sedih yang kami kongsi bersama.. bilalah boleh reunion dgn diorang ni ek...
c) My gang at Kolej Cempaka Kenanga, UiTM Shah Alam - Izlin, Wani, Rima, Marlinah, Eju, Inas, Naim, etc.. kitorang ni kira 'otai' kolej ah.. mmg kaki kecoh.. kengkonon glamer satu kolej la tu.. haha.. then waktu ni la ada yg develop crush dgn org itu la, org ini la.. so we share quite a few things and we definitely had an enjoyable life sepanjang time buat diploma dulu..
As in memories that I missed...
i) Beraya selamba je gi rumah orang walaupun tak kenal.. hehe.. that was masa sekolah rendah dulu.. best je bila dapat duit raya...masa tu la sibuk nak compare sapa dapat duit banyak..
ii) Gi outing dengan geng masa kat UiTM dulu.. merata gak la kitorang pergi..bila weekend kalau aku tak balik rumah, ada je arah nak dituju.. time tu memang best and happening sungguh.. kalau naik bas, serasa kitorang yg conquer bas tu.. haha
iii) Shopping masa belajar kat US dulu.. memang saje tunggu thanksgiving week, masa tu memang shop till u drop lah kiranya.. mana taknya, sale gile2, byk jugak la borong... hopefully next year ada la kesempatan nak bershopping kat sana lagi :P
Apa lagi ye? Actually, banyak memories yang kalau boleh aku nak ulangi semula.. tapi there's too much to write.. cukuplah di atas tu dulu..
*I'm walking down memory lane *sigh*
This week I've been digging information on visa application, browsing through the Iowa State's Uni (ISU) website in order to get a glimpse of what I should do/prepare before school starts. I was then suddenly getting cold feet. Reading on all the graduate school requirements, preliminary exam and stuff related to a doctoral degree makes me nervous. Then the big question pops up - Am I physically and mentally prepared? for the PhD? Then comes the other related what-if questions. Mostly negative. So there. I am getting cold feet as the time passes. Timecheck - it's less than 3 months till I leave for PhD.
Reading a book - "PhD: Kecil tapi Signifikan" by Prof Dr Muhd. Kamil Ibrahim from UiTM, loaned by K.Anisz created an undescribable pool of emotions in me. I am nervous as hell, oh yeah. Simultaneously I'm excited, plus a little bit of unsure. Will I get through it? My previous supervisor, PM Dr Ahmad Ruslan - when I was doing my Masters told me -" PhD stands for Permanent Head Damage". Haha. Seriously? My guess it depends on individual. But my friend Sam who's in the final stage of completing her PhD at ISU said it's tough work. I can only prayed that I'll get through it.. Insya Allah..
By the way, it is a good book to read especially for people like me, intending to pursue my PhD - it does give an insight on what to expect while doing a PhD, preparations and such on that matter. As I am counting the days to go to the States, the nervous I am!
26 Sept 2008 --> There goes our first car... sedih tu memanglah sedih.. tapi nak buat camane... We have to let go the car... nak gi jauh dah kan..In the meantime pakai kereta apa? Kancil je.. itupun pinjam daddy punye... :P
Walaupun aku busy sgt2 semenjak dua menjak ni, aku masih lagi curik masa nak post entry kat blog ni..bukannya apa.. serasa macam kurang sikit serabutnya bila dapat post entry.. hehe.. so kali ni aku nak cerita atas keserabutan aku sebab dah ada orang tegur dah tadi.." nape serabut je hari ni?".. huhuhu...
Aku tengah nak siap2kan agreement MARA, then tadi gi amik report medical checkup and x-ray sekali.. petang ni pulak ada meeting.. tapi aku tak gi la kot.. sebab ada kelas lepas tu.. jadi hari ni agak serabut sikit dan jiwa agak kacau..
Lately ni aku rasa letih yang teramat sangat.. letih fizikal tu tak de la sangat. Aku rasa letih mental yang lebih.. maybe aku dok pikir nak mengemas barang2.. nak settle itu ini, tak masuk la kerja2 harian di pejabat dan di rumah.. seriously, aku memang extremely penat..at one time tu rasa macam nak pengsan ajee.. i think i need something to boost up my energy level.. apa yek? ada suggestion, anyone??
Kisah buka puasa kat vistana semalam?? nanti2 la aku post entry.. tak de masa nak download gambar...
Isk isk isk.. pepagi hari rabu ni aku dah tension.. pasal apa pulak la aku nak meroyan je pagi2 ni... dari malam tadi aku dok pikir pasal mende ni.. sekarang ni kat kolej setiap hari rabu top management kena pakai baju korporat.. WAJIB... aku tak de masalah nak pakai baju korporat.. TAPI.. yang buat aku hangin pepagi ni....
1. Baju korporat yang aku kena pakai ni mahal giler... RM95... sendirik kena bayar ye... tapi aku tak kisahla nak bayar mahal, dengan syarat baju tu worth it.. bak kata orang alah membeli menang memakai... honestly, baju tu tak padan la dengan harga RM95.. Aku punya expectation pada baju yang RM95 tu mesti la produk tu kena dengan aku (i.e size, etc).. baju tu punyalah BESAR... sampaikan Zairi pakai pun longgar lagi... aku ni tentu2 la akan jadi semakin "sedang" dan "rendang" bila dah pakai baju tu... masa amik saiz baju, bukan ukur badan pun.. makin hangin la aku bila memikirkannya.. main amik size ikut sample baju yg ada.. dan sample tu pulak, yg kecik, kecik sungguh..yang besar, besar sangat... grrrrrrrr..... dah bayar mahal,kan.. fitting je la....grrrrrrr....
2. Baju korporat macam ni kalau orang lelaki pakai memang la smart.. tapi kalau orang pompuan pakai, buruk la ya amat... sebab baju ni cutting ikut kemeja lelaki... huhuhu... lagi tambah hanginn... kalau dah tau orang pompuan punya, buatlah ada dart ke, cutting skit ke.. ini sebijik rupa baju kemeja orang lelaki... bayangkanla kalau tak tuck-in, besar pulak tu... selekeh je rupanya... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Aku tension betul... nasib la bulan puasa... kata Zairi pagi tadi - "Ala.. pakai je la.. asal nak bising2.." Aku bising sebab aku yg kena pakai.. so nampak gayanya kena la aku alter baju ni.. tapi sebab harganya RM95, kalau baju tu Rm60 tak pe la lagi... seriously... aku rasa macam something wrong somewhere je hari ni bila pakai baju ni...
Oh ya, and for the rest of the wednesdays, I'll be wearing this.. harap lepas alter oklah skit kot...
About Me
.:: Me - FB-ing ::.
.:: Thanks for visiting ::.
.:: My Family ::.
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List of articles17 years ago
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::: Sweetie Pie :::
Nur Fatihah Batrisyia
::: Soulmates :::
.:: I read them ::.
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::: Buddies :::
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